“My Wife Knows Me Best” a short story

“My Wife Knows Me Best” by  A. Neanderthal

YOU BALLESS SACK OF SHIT, ANY REAL MAN WOULD BUY HIS FAMILY A REAL CAR. YOU CAN’T EVEN SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY, OTHER FAMILIES TAKE REAL VACATIONS. WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A REAL JOB, YOU ARE A LOSER. A FAILURE, HALF A MAN. OF COURSE YOU WILL DRIVE ME TO WORK AND PICK ME UP. YOU SHOULD DO THAT FOR THE FAMILY.  YOU CAN’T EVEN EARN A LIVING OR PAY THE MORTGAGE. YOU ARE A SNAKE, A LIAR. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY BED. LIVE DOWNSTAIRS OR OUT IN THE BARN, i DON’T CARE. I WANT YOU OUT. I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PLACE TO GO DURING THE DAY, YOU CAN’T FIX THE BOILER, YOU CAN’T BUY A CAR, YOU DO LAUNDRY AND EXPECT APPLAUSE. YOU WANT ME TO STOP BURNING INCENSE? YOU TELL THEM IT IS UNHEALTHY?

We never smoked around the kids, we smoked outside and..

I WANT YOU OUT. NO YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY WATER. I DON’T CARE. I WANT TO SLEEP IN MY BED. YOU CALL ME THE ANGRY LADY? YOU CAN’T EVEN DRIVE ME TO WORK!

I drove you to work, no thanks necessary

YOU THINK I SHOULD THANK YOU. FOR DRIVING ME TO WORK SO I CAN FEED OUR FAMILY!   

Actually your only expense is food. I drive myself-

YOU THINK I SHOULD DRIVE YOU. YOU COMPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY TO FIX THE FAMILY CAR, YOU  CAN’T EVEN BUY ME A DECENT BED. YOU WANT ME TO GET IN BED WITH YOU, I CAN’T EVEN TRUST YOU. NOW YOU ASK ME FOR SOMETHING! YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT? STOP BURNING INCENSE IN THE HOUSE? WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT? YOU DON’T GO ANYWHERE, YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU MAKE ME DRIVE AN OLD CAR. YOU DON’T REMEMBER SMOKING ALL OVER THE KIDS? ALL THE TIME.

Outside, we didn’t smoke inside.

YOU DON’T REMEMBER SMOKING ON THEM ALL THE TIME?

I remember you smoking while pregnant and while nursing. We aren’t perfect people.

YOU AREN’T A PERFECT PERSON. YOU ARE AN ADDICT. SMOKING YOUR GRASS. YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOUR NOT. YOU CAN SWING YOUR DICK AROUND AND SAY IT IS YOUR BED. BUT ANY MAN DOESN’T LET THEIR FAMILY DRIVE AROUND IN AN OLD CAR OR NOT HAVE ANY SAVINGS OR NOT HAVE ANY FUTURE. THEY DON’T LET THEIR FAMILY NOT HAVE VACATIONS, OR HOT WATER, OR A DECENT KITCHEN. THE REFRIGERATOR IS THE DUMBEST DESIGN YOU CAN’T EVEN FIT ANYTHING IN IT. AND IF I HAVE TO GET A BOWL I NEED A STOOL AND YOU EXPECT ME TO THANK YOU? FOR FEEDING YOU? ANY MAN WHO CAN’T DO THAT IS A BALLESS SACK OF SHIT. YOU CAN WALK AROUND SAYING WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, BUT IT IS JUST YOU TALKING. JUST ANOTHER LOSER WINING ABOUT THEIR WIFE WHO DOESN’T LOVE THEM. yOU GOT THAT? EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS YOU ARE ABUSIVE. 

How am I abusive?

YOU SIDE TALK TO THE CHILDREN. YOU ARE A BALLESS SACK OF SHIT. YOU WALK AROUND HERE AND TALK TO PEOPLE AND YOU DON’T GO ANYWHERE YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING. YOU ARE A BULLSHIT ARTIST. YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO SWING THIS FAMILY. YOU DON’T.

I just asked you to not burn incense.

YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME FOR ANYTHING. YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I CAN’T BEAT YOU OUT OF IT BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL WHINE TO THE KIDS ABOUT IT. YOU ARE BALLESS. YOU ARE A BALLESS GUY. GET OUT OF MY BED. YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU CAN SIT UP IN A BED AND SAY YOU OWN IT. BUT YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU CAN LAUGH IN MY FACE, BUT A MAN DOESN’T LET A MAN DRIVE IN THAT KIND OF CAR, OR NOT TAKE VACATIONS. YOU GOT THAT. YOU ARE NOTHING. WITH YOUR LOWBALL AND YOUR NOT LEAVING THE PROPERTY AND BRAGGING ABOUT IT, AND YOUR MOM SHOWING UP TO WALK THE DOG. LOW, LOW LOW. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY. AND NOW I CAN’T SLEEP IN MY OWN BED BECAUSE I CAN’T TRUST YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOUR GAME IS YOU ARE THINKING I MIGHT GET WEAK AND ACTUALLY FUCK YOU AND THEN YOU WILL USE THAT AGAINST ME.

If you would like to have a conversation about separation-

THIS IS A CONVERSATION. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER. YOU CAN’T AFFORD A DIVORCE. AND I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO USE THE KIDS AGAINST ME.

I am trying to survive-

YOUR CONVERSATION INCLUDES NON REALITY. HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PAY IN CHILD SUPPORT. 

I think you should get an apartment near work a few days per week.

NO YOU SHOULD GET AN APARTMENT-

I will, you leave a few days, i leave a few days, the kids stay in their home.

I STAY HERE YOU LEAVE.

That is not a conversation.

YOU GET TO STAY HERE? WHY DO YOU GET TO STAY HERE? NO SIT DOWN. NO. YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY WATER, SIT DOWN AND ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Can you back up?

OH AM I IN YOUR FACE. CAN’T TAKE IT CAN YOU. NOT MUCH OF A MAN, LETTING A GIRL GET IN YOUR FACE. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, LET’S HAVE THE CONVERSATION.

Can I get some water?   

FUCK YOU, SIT DOWN AND ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Kids stay where they are we split half the time.

YOU THINK I AM GOING TO LEAVE MY KIDS WITH A LYING BALLESS SACK OF SHIT! YOU CAN’T EVEN BUY THE FAMILY A NEW CAR AND YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE MY KIDS WITH YOU? YOU THINK I SHOULD GET AN APARTMENT. YOU CAN’T EVEN FEED THE KIDS.

We were fine when you went to europe to paint for a few weeks.

SO YOU SAY. WE NEED MORE MONEY. YOU ARE JUST UNDER THE RADAR AND IT AIN’T CUTTING IT. YOU ARE A LOSER. A FAILURE. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU BELONG HERE? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO BE IN THAT BED. YOU VACUUM AND MOVE ALL MY STUFF AND MY SHOES ARE ALWAYS IN THE BASEMENT. WE DON’T NEED YOU. YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

Please stop putting your hands in my face.

WHY ISN’T YOUR BUSINESS DOING BETTER. WHY CAN’T WE FIX THE BOILER? WHY CAN’T WE TAKE A VACATION. 

The bills are paid and we have an awesome home where the kids are happy-

OH DON’T GIVE ME THAT. I SEE THE BUSINESS YOU ARE DOING. WHY CAN’T YOU EARN MORE MONEY? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. A MAN WOULD NOT LET ME DRIVE AROUND IN THAT CAR. 

How much did it cost for you to go to europe a few times-   

OH YOU ARE A LOSER. YOU THINK I SHOULD PAY FOR THE MORTGAGE? OH, OKAY I SHOULD SPEND MY MONEY TO PAY THE MORTGAGE?

You say it is half yours-

IT IS, AND YOU-

I hope you appreciate the irony-

YOU ARE A LOSER, A SNAKE A FAILURE. YOU CAN’T EVEN FIX THE DISHWASHER. THE KITCHEN IS SO SMALL THERE  IS NO ROOM FOR ANYTHING. YOU CAN’T EVEN DESIGN A REAL HOUSE. YOU BUILT THIS HOUSE KNOWING I LIKE TO COOK, WHY ISN’T THERE A BIGGER KITCHEN. NO SIT DOWN. NO YOU CAN’T LEAVE. WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

My brother, i need a witness. This is getting a little crazy.

OH, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY BED AND YOU HAVE TO CALL FOR HELP. NO, YOU CAN’T LEAVE. YOU DON’T LIKE IT WHEN I TOUCH YOU? WELL TOUGH SHIT. YOU BALLESS PIECE OF SHIT. THE LOWEST, JUST SIT THERE. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SIT HERE WAITING TO MAKE MONEY? PEOPLE SHOW UP AND YOU HANG OUT AND MAKE MONEY? YOU DON’T EVEN LEAVE THE PROPERTY. THEN YOU BRAG ABOUT IT, “I LIVE UPSTATE AND DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE MY PROPERTY”. YOU ARE A LOSER. I GO TO WORK, HAVE A REAL JOB-

3 days a week-

A REAL JOB. I HAVE TO DRIVE THERE AND PUT UP WITH BULLSHIT. THAT IS WHAT A REAL JOB MEANS. YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A REAL JOB!

The studio is a good living, granted not enough, but we have the best life-

YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT, BUT I AM DRIVING AN OLD CAR, WE NEVER TAKE VACATIONS, YOU ARE A LOSER. YOU WANT TO JUST GO FROM THE HOUSE TO THE STUDIO LIKE SOME HUGH HEFNER, LIKE SOME KING. BUT YOU ARE NOT THAT AT ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE UNSTABLE. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY. YOU ARE UNSTABLE. AND THAT MEANS UNFIT. DEMANDING THAT I LIE NEXT TO YOU, THAT IS COERCION.

I don’t want you to lie next to me

THAT IS THREATENING

I don’t want you to lie next to me

WELL THEN YOU SHOULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. A REAL MAN WOULD KNOW WHEN HE IS NOT WANTED. YOU SHOULD LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. THIS IS NOT YOUR BED.  I CAN’T SLEEP ON THE LOFT ANYMORE. 

Seems to work-

BUT YOU SAID OUR SON DOESN’T LIKE IT. AND YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD DAD. SUCH A GOOD DAD. THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT US ALL TO BELIEVE RIGHT? MR. ADVENTURE. MR IMPULSIVE. CAN’T EVEN CUT VEGETABLES. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY BED.

I would be happy to work out a schedule-

NO, I WANT YOU GONE. WHAT IF OTHER PEOPLE STARTED TO ACT LIKE YOU. YOU WOULD BE FUCKED. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE THAT AT ALL. CAN YOU PLEASE GO AWAY. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL?

I am going to ask my brother to come over

WHY DON’T YOU CALL 911? HERE I WILL CALL FOR YOU. LET’S CALL. 

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Well the cops came. If they are called they have to come. I don’t know if they have good training, or it was that obvious but they didn’t arrest me. They took a long time speaking with my wife, calming her down. Law enforcement is always impressed when a woman is getting physical and the man doesn’t engage. 

I sat in the field looking at the light show from the police cars and wondered how it ever got so bad.

She is an awesome woman. No this isn’t Stockholm syndrome, she is pretty amazing in a lot of ways. We really could make a good team, or so I always thought, but for some reason we didn’t.

Don’t think that I feel victimized. I am challenged. The above transcript is a brief example of what goes on a few days per week. It is a lot to take. But there is so much love in the world and my faith is unimpeachable.

Maybe we should take a step back. Being not a fine wordsmith it seems daunting to try and convey the beginnings that led to this moment. Not that this moment is anything special as there has been no catharsis or end in sight so there will surely be additional moments equally weighted as the moment that delivered 2 squad cars to my driveway. Also it can hardly be expected that it is possible for me to be a dispassionate observer and have any objectivity as I am so entwined with the goings on. In fact it is quite the opposite that I am hoping to achieve. If there is a lesson to be learned for me it is to master myself. I rise to that occasion and will chronicle that karmic journey as I go. Rest assured that I love this woman and would hope for nothing less than her considering me as worthy of love.

Blech, it all sounds so sappy. I am a man!. I thump my chest sometimes, I carry the weight, build the house, work the land having traveled the world and sown my oats. Do I really need some intense inward journey to make existence more concrete? Sewing pins under my fingernails sounds better. I can take the berating. I can take physical taunting and not respond. I can stay peaceful and wish my persecutor well . But why?

Of course you say, “this author is trying to trick me as if the man isn’t 50% at fault, at least. Of course he is. That is the way it works. Everyone is equal. Everyone’s a winner. Everyone gets a trophy.” But you know it isn’t always like that.